大江 发表于 2019-7-30 00:00:27

把我们拉到一起的东西也能把我们分开

同样的因素,激发关系的开始可以导致他们的死亡。

想想可能激发你追求新浪漫伴侣的因素:找一个有吸引力的人,或者发现类似的兴趣。令人惊讶的是,与开始关系相关的一些相同因素也可能与结束关系相关联。

以下是一些可能需要考虑的双重功能。

外表的吸引力

身体外观是决定我们认为谁是潜在浪漫伴侣的一个非常重要的因素(参见Luo和Zhang,2009; Kurzban和Weeden,2005; Thao等,2010)。但是,如果我们寻求长期稳定的关系,那么根据其他特征(可能是诚实或可信赖)选择合作伙伴可能会更好。有吸引力的个体更有可能结束他们的关系以寻求新的关系,也许是因为他们因为吸引力而无法抵抗许多潜在的新伴侣(Ma-Kellams等,2017)。

人格相似性

我们经常被重要的方式吸引到与我们相似的其他人。具有相似的态度会对喜好产生积极影响(Montoya和Horton,2013),具有相似性格的夫妻可能会有更充实的浪漫关系(Barelds&Barelds-Dijkstra,2007; Luo&Klohnen,2005)。然而,虽然相似性可能有利于正面特质,如宜人性和尽责性,但在涉及神经质,不适应或抑郁等特征时,相似性可能对这种关系有害(Finkel等,2012)。例如,夫妻双方的神经质都与关系满意度下降以及关系解体的风险增加有关(见Finkel等人)。

秘密关系

分享秘密可以增强吸引力,即使是在陌生人中也是如此(Aron等,1997)。在浪漫情侣中,分享秘密与更强的关系满意度和关系质量相关(Frijns等,2013; Sprecher和Hendrick,2004)。分享性秘密也可以增加夫妻的性满足感(MacNeil和Byers,2009)。隐瞒的性关系可能会增加夫妻之间的亲密感,但只能在短期内增加。在长期关系中,保密与较差质量的关系相关(Foster和Campbell,2005)。作者认为,保持这种关系秘密可能不仅会给这对夫妻带来负担,而且这种关系之外的朋友和家人缺乏社会支持也会造成进一步的损害。

很高的期望

大多数情况下,积极的期望与提高关系质量有关(Lemay和Venaglia,2016)。例如,Murray等人。 (1996)发现,更积极的夫妻看待他们的关系和他们的伴侣,这些关系持续存在的可能性越大,这对夫妻报告冲突的可能性就越小。积极的期望甚至可能通过自我实现的预言使关系得到改善;如果你希望你的伴侣善良,你可能会无意中促进他或她的善行(Snyder等,1977)。然而,不切实际的乐观预测可能会使夫妻没有准备好处理关系问题,因此可能会降低关系满意度(Lavner et al.,2013)。具有较高期望的夫妻可能不太可能努力解决他们的关系问题或讨论他们的关系问题,因此他们的关系可能会减少幸福感(Lemay和Venaglia,2016)。

参考:

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377.

Barelds, D. H., & Barelds-Dijkstra, P. (2007). Love at first sight or friends first? Ties among partner personality trait similarity, relationship onset, relationship quality, and love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(4), 479–496. doi:10.1177/0265407507079235

Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science In The Public Interest, 13(1), 3–66. doi:10.1177/1529100612436522

Foster, C. A., & Campbell, W. K. (2005). The adversity of secret relationships. Personal Relationships, 12(1), 125–143. https://doi-org.ecsu.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00105.x

Frijns, T., Finkenauer, C., & Keijsers, L. (2013). Shared secrets versus secrets kept private are linked to better adolescent adjustment. Journal of adolescence, 36(1), 55-64.

Kurzban, R., & Weeden, J. (2005). HurryDate: Mate preferences in action. Evolution and Human Behavior, 26(3), 227–244. doi:10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2004.08.012

Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Newlyweds’ optimistic forecasts of their marriage: For better or for worse?. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(4), 531.

Lemay Jr, E. P., & Venaglia, R. B. (2016). Relationship expectations and relationship quality. Review of General Psychology, 20(1), 57-70.

Luo, S., & Klohnen, E. C. (2005). Assortative mating and marital quality in newlyweds: A couple-centered approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88(2), 304–326. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.88.2.304

Luo, S., & Zhang, G. (2009). What leads to romantic attraction: Similarity, reciprocity, security, or beauty? Evidence from a speed-dating study. Journal of Personality, 77(4), 933–964. doi:10.1111/j.1467-6494.2009.00570.x

Ma‐Kellams, C., Wang, M. C., & Cardiel, H. (2017). Attractiveness and relationship longevity: Beauty is not what it is cracked up to be. Personal Relationships, 24(1), 146-161.

MacNeil, S., & Byers, E. S. (2009). Role of sexual self-disclosure in the sexual satisfaction of long-term heterosexual couples. Journal of Sex Research, 46(1), 3-14.

Montoya, R., & Horton, R. S. (2013). A meta-analytic investigation of the processes underlying the similarity-attraction effect. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(1), 64–94. doi:10.1177/0265407512452989

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1155–1180. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.71.6.1155

Schneiderman, I., Zagoory-Sharon, O., Leckman, J. F., & Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 37(8), 1277–1285. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2011.12.021

Snyder, M., Tanke, E., & Berscheid, E. (1977). Social perception and interpersonal behavior: On the self-fulfilling nature of social stereotypes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(9), 656–666. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.35.9.656.

Sprecher, S., & Hendrick, S. S. (2004). Self-disclosure in intimate relationships: Associations with individual and relationship characteristics over time. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23(6), 857-877.

Thao, H., Overbeek, G., & Engels, R. E. (2010). Effects of attractiveness and social status on dating desire in heterosexual adolescents: An experimental study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(5), 1063–1071. doi:10.1007/s10508-009-9561-z
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